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Mother Still Healing

When I found out I was pregnant I was young, single, and scared. I panicked at the thought of being a mother. My decision to have an abortion was made in two days, basically without a lot of thought. As a patient going to the Hope Clinic I was young and naïve as most patients are. I did not totally understand the finality or the repercussions of my decision until it was too late. The counselors at the clinic gave me no information that would have helped me make a decision not to have an abortion. They help you with your paperwork and then when they counsel you they basically tell you that what you are doing is OK, they make you feel like you are making the right decision. You wait in a big waiting room with many other girls, many scared and crying, you feel like a herd of cattle going to slaughter.

You may not realize immediately what you have done. It may take weeks, months, or as in my case, years. Once you realize you are responsible for allowing your child to be brutally murdered your life changes forever and you can never go back. You can't eat or sleep, you have a hard time functioning at work, and you cry every day because part of you is missing. You have nightmares, you feel hollow, and have a hard time just getting through the day. The guilt and shame you feel never goes away. I would like to know where the Hope Clinic counselors were during all of my sleepless nights. Where were they when I cried every day for months and months for my baby? They were nowhere to be found.

Thankfully the Project Rachel Office in Belleville and my church pastor were there for me; they were there for the many phone calls that it took for me just to get through the day. They were there to meet with me, to help me talk through the pain and guilt.

Since my abortion I have been blessed with three children and have a wonderful family. During my pregnancies I had many ultrasounds to check the progress of my babies. Some of these were as early as 10 weeks at which point I could see my babies arms and legs moving around already. If a Hope Clinic counselor would show a tape of this to young girls going in for an abortion I am sure that many would walk right back out the door when they realized that they were killing a living baby. You see we were given the impression that it is just a glob of tissue at this point so it is OK. It is not until you get a little older, and if you are lucky enough to have children and learn more about the development of babies, do you come to realize exactly what you have done. Yes, the baby may not be viable but it is still a baby that deserves a chance to live, and it is still a part of me that is lost forever.

Still Healing

    In Their Own Words